Dear mommy..

A confession of mine.

Do u know that Im worried for u..

Do u know that im worried for u working alone in the office till 2/3am in an area with lots of immigrants roaming around,in a office that has a history of break-in before?
for your safety.. u never know what they'll do..
Do u know that I always wonder where can I get u electric shocker,sprays,fake guns..
Do u know that I'll freak out if I don't see ur car when it's real late at night? afraid that i might not even see u the next morning because u haven't returned. afraid that something bad has happened to u already?
Do u know that Im worried for u always come home that late @2/3am n sleep at 4 when bro will wake u up at 6 to fetch him to futsal? How can someone sustain like that..Ur body can never sustain that... pls get yourself more rests..
Do u know that when u said u cant sleep on soft beds,afraid that u might sleep too well n oversleep,therefore u always sleep on the hard surface of floors,u made my heart sores...
Do u know that Im worried for u never eat on time..that u often starved yourself because u got no time to feed yourself to a proper lunch,n u eat ur lunch in the cars..
n u force in all the left-overs at night for u dont want to waste it...
mommy,pls don't make yourself suffer like that. . .
Do u know that Im worried for u have to take care of so many things?
The never-ending-family problems,family politics;dealing with the troublemaker grandma who misunderstood u,who treats u unfairly,who asks u to massage her after u come back fr work @3;bare a not so caring husband;go to the market,the post-office,the banks,the office,collecting the cheques urself,paying the bills,the office work,the accounts,the disobedient employees;take care of us 4..
Do u know that im worried for ur health,for that leg of urs suffering fr osteoporosis,that i always see u fall to the ground while walking for no apparent reason. I know that its ur leg,its painful right?
Do u know that Im worried for u for that diagnose fr the doctor?!
Im worried when I see so much medicine laying in front of my eyes in that cupboard of urs...
ANd I can't do a darn thing about it!? except that inevitable s o r e ness in my heart..

I wished to shout out to those people.. stop making my mommy suffer like this!
How much i wish to tell u: Please don't make yourself suffer like this anymore! Don't overwork yourself,care more about yourself and..your health..!
Stop bothering what those relatives say! They are too free to talk bad about ppl. What they say to grandma,what they say to u or about u.. U are,after all just a human.. u know?
How much i wish to tell that mother-in-law,grandma of ours how wrong she is about u n things?
How much i wish to tell that not-so-caring husband of urs who says that u are the one who seek for all those problems urself, "DON'T u ever care about ur wife? Can't u care more about your wife? Can't u stop siding ur mom only??"

Imagine..
A family alike the series - yi nan wang
the overly,'terlampau' mother-in-law who arises all the problems,never knowing how to differentiate the right n the wrongs,with relatives always talking behind ppl's back,criticizing each n everything.. the grandma who believes whatever they said.. who ill-treats u..
n always thinks that she's right as a quote from her saying "I eat more salt than u eat rice,i walked more bridge than u walked the roads."
Some right n wrongs that even the maid would understand already,the maid who worked 7yrs n understand all the family politics already, will even feel pitiful of mommy's fate,life,but why not u,grandma? "Hello,wake up!! Who's the one coming back to ask $ fr u? Yet,who's the one sheltering u? Who's the giving u $ for medicine??"
The 50yr old blood-sucking uncle who still comes back getting $ from grandma,making himself seem pathetic when he already has got 4 working children,with 6 cars..seems jobless just because he didn't wanted to work himself
Yet,grandma feels pitiful of him..
The not-so-caring husband who seems to side his mom so much,n a quote from him saying
"Wife can be found again easily,but u'll only have the one n only mom"
Shuddup man.THATS UR WIFE U KNOW? Dont u know thats very hurting?? How cruel is him to say that to mommy? I often wonders.. If Im her,I would have asked for a divorce n LEAVE already!!

Indeed,there was a few times that when u just cannot bare anymore,u drove the car n threatens not to come back anymore..
But why is it that it's me,the only one who seems to care.. who will phone u..n try talking n listening to u..
n when daddy. . .
U asked me,"how good is it if I drove,drove n suddenly crashed n died..so I wouldn't need to face all this anymore?"
No mommy,i'll not let that happen! pls.. don't ever think that way..u still has someone who cares about u..at least u got me..u know
U told me "I was never happy in my life.. all my life i have to carry burdens-supporting my poor family,supp my bro+sis to further their studies.. n now to work like a slave to THIS family!"
U always tell me of your problems but i always seem so useless..
i can only listen to it.. listen u Crying to it... trying to help n console
with my heart soring. . .

Do u know how much I wished I could make u happier,share your burdens with u~

I want to get u out from all these! I really want to. .
but..no matter how hard I tried.. all my effort seems useless..
tried talking to u..talking to dad..talking to the siblings..talking to grandma..
for all that they see are immature words n foolish thoughts coming out from mouth of a 17yr-old..n that I wont understand so much..
Why cant I do a darn thing about it?!? . . so useless. .


Mommy,
u might not be as caring as other moms,
u might get angry very easily,
u might be abit strict n abit harsh at times,
u might not be huggy-feely or u never kiss me on the cheek,
u might never reward me for any achievement of mine,
u might not give much words of encouragement,
u might never remember or forget of my birthday..
(even on that special day of mine that i wanted u to send me to coll,u got angry at it..
n asked y didn't i wake up earlier,i thought i could ask for a special favor on my special day.
n when i told u it was "my birthday" b4 i get down the car,
u didn't remembered,n u just speed n drove away)
u might never flower me with birthday cakes or presents..

but its okay..I understand..
u already got too many things in mind,therefore I shall not burden u more.

Mommy,
Im sorry that I always get on your nerve.
U always said that I spoil your mood..for wasting ur precious time,for being slow..
Even when u never said it,even when u never seem to care about my results,
even when u never reward me for if i excel..or u never give any words of encouragement
but I know u care..
I can still remember the smile on your face.. Times when u came to the school as a proud parent.
I can still remember how u always like to boast about me in front of those relatives..
I felt the stress at times,ya know? Do forever do good n even better..
I can still remember the times when u stayed back in the hospital sleeping beside me when I got dengue n was deeply sick..though u only stayed for 1night..Its precious to me.
but do u know how much I wished if u could stay with me for a few more nights
when nights in the hospital just got too quiet..too lonely..n too scary..


And
Mommy,I Love You..

I promise that i WILL make u proud! especially in front of our relatives..
that bunch of super pat n never-had-mercy-in-criticizing bunch of ppl..
and be a point for u to stand up right n high.. and to face them..
I'll study hard*

as that's the least i could do..
but wait.. wait until Im finished with my As Final..I'll get myself a driving license..
I'll help u get the cheques,pay the bills,fetch brothers n sisters..all that I can do. I'll do it for u..
and it will not be a blank promise.. for..

*I P r o m i s e d*