Things that has happened.

Every breath I took felt so deep.

If you'd given me one minute, there's a gazillion things that I could just mumble about in a mouthful. U know ;) (like psst! One minute isn't even enough for One of my lame jokes!) me with all those rubbish & my Crappy-dabby-doo talks!

But somehow when it comes to speaking about my innate thoughts and feelings, I'm a badbad paradox.
I once read Pei hao blog,

So how well do you actually express yourselves? Of course there is like lots and lots of ways to express your feeling, so what do you normally respond to people? And you most probably will go like:" Well, it pretty much depends on what scenario? who is that person? and also whats my mood?"

do you realise what you responded most of time will be how people look at you or define you but deep down you know that it is just a small part of you. Have you been called the happy go lucky one or joke master or mr. Nice Guy or mr.Cool or Kinky girl or hot tempered or horny guy, I mean it is not necessary that they have a nick name for you but you are somehow fall to a category in them. And when you fall into that category, you would actually somehow lived up to it without realising! Only until someday that when you can't stand it anymore that you realise that its time to change and you will need to discover yourselves all over again.

Expressing it is something rather difficult to me. I'm the type of person who will do anything but to admit my own feelings, of how I'm actually feeling.

Ie: If there's a good fruit, I would shout my lungs out to get absolutely everyone I could to share and eat it with, but if there's a bad fruit, I would throw & bury it in my own backyard, so that no one could see it. (I'd rather suffer and cry by myself, but share my happiness with others. I want others to be happy, not sad.) 

So what if it kicks in, and people do stereotype me as the O-hei-yoh-happy-happy-happy girl~
Whose everyday in her life is filled with rainbow, sunshine, sugar, spice and everything nice.
Seems like a pretty not bad thing.
If I'm given the choice, I would rather want to be someone who knows only A,B,C than one who knows from A to Z.

If I could control everything,
I would make you bow down ballerina style and I'll command you to fetch me, ur highness a Rainbow coloured Apple!

But seriously, if I could control something in the world, I would want to put an end to the need for tears & sufferings.

I'm blessed enough to be able to live this life with all my needs and wants fulfilled.

Sometimes as I reflect upon the course of my life, every experiences that I've encounter, I'm just plain glad that I'm born into this family and have lived the life as Looi Vien Na :D

So corny. x)
But it's quite an awesome life to live by, really ! =D

I like the quote from the movie 'Money Not Enough'-

The poorest moment isn't when your pocket is empty,
it is when ur pocket is full yet everything else felt empty.
You are missing something money can't buy, Love.

Perhaps it's because I watched it with my family,
in which at so many points, the story relates to us so much.
So much, that I never recalled sobbing so much.
It's because I felt it.

My family,
*took a big breathe*
isn't the most perfect family.

Since young, to pay the bills & to raise us up, daddy mommy had to work.
They however work at ungodly hours, when I was young, I used to see them twice a week. Why so? It's because they come back from work at 12am? 2am? 3am? when I'm asleep, and when I've hopped on the Aunty's car to school, they're still asleep.
We don't get to eat together as a family, if we do gather for dinner, it'll be once a week, or rather, none.

Through the years, I failed to realise how matters has became among us, especially in between us brothers and sisters.
It wasn't until recently that I realised that, I was such an ignorant & nonchalant big sister all these years.

Witnessing the sight of your family slowly breaking apart in front of your very eyes, the bond between the siblings tormented & fading away and your parents arguing and having thoughts of divorcing was the most painful thing one could suffer.
It was for me.

I really could not afford to, not even imagining that happening.

There was a time, that mommy and grandma argued, mommy couldn't stand it and ran out of the house.
At that moment, I was striked by thoughts that I'll never ever get to see mommy again, I crumbled deep down inside, but when all cried, I know I could not afford to, as the eldest of them all in the family.

I could have did something.
That's when I started doing something. Up till today, I didn't know if what I did was right: informing mommy's family about what's happening, bringing my siblings out to search for mommy, spending hours to to communicate with daddy, then mommy, and then telling daddy what mommy think, and telling mommy what daddy thinks, trying to pull my parents back together again....

I don't know if I've helped things.
I just can't not do anything about it.


What mommy said that I was focussing so much effort outside, rather than into the family brought me down to tears.
I should have put in more effort into the family, as the eldest in the family when daddy mommy is not around.

I hope it's not all too late.

But I'm trying.


I really hope that I could fix things before I'm off to Poland.

Anna,
I guess I won't be able replace the position of your friends in your heart. I started way too late to care for you. In my heart, you're still the Japanese little dollie anna, so really obedient & good girl. I only hoped that you would share with me your problems like you did when ur bestie is leaving you, I can give you a hug, I can listen to you, and I will be here for you, always, for the rest of your life.
I'll not leave you. I love ya,ann.

Joo,
Last time, Daddy mommy used to plead me to talk to you whenever they fail to. You used to be so stubborn, so headstrong and rebellious. I finally managed to convince you that the reason why daddy was so hard against you, was only because he loved you.
As your jie, I'm really really proud that you've grown up so much. :)
It's surprising I get to communicate with you pretty well, you're the person who knows most of what I'm doing.
Pls take care of the family when I'm gone kay?

Seh,
You're the youngest in the family, I used to think that you're really naughty and complained to mommy that you never want to listen to grandma. But you proved me wrong, few days ago, you were advising anna instead. :) haha, i was so proud. I was crying and laughing. Sometimes, I feel that although being the youngest, you have the best mind of us all. You're so young, yet you know so much, that I didn't know when I was your age. Seh, I know I haven't been talking enough and cared of your needs, all I thought of was daddy mommy's budget over your feelings. Forgive jie jie kay?

Mommy,
Please don't work till so late. I'm worried of your safety (remember to keep the pepper spray that i bought for you along with you) Above everything, I'm really worried for your health.
Eating dinner at 3am, sleeping at 5am, waking up at 9am, even robots wouldn't have lasted as long as you did. In tears, you told me, that you never get to live your life for yourself. :( and how you wished that you could sleep today & never wake up tomorrow? It used to hurt me so much because I tried & still I can't do anything but to cry with you.
But mommy, I see that you're happier of late, please still keep it that way when I'm gone :)
Mommy, try to sub your workload out even if it costs more $, in this case money can buy us a healthier & happier mommy. Take good care of yourself first because a Sick mommy can't take care of us.

Daddy,
You are a great daddy to me, some little things that you talked to me about, showed how wise & knowledgeable a person you are. The way you think, is none of the ordinary. However,I realised that all the qualities you've is gone-your patience & wisdom when it comes to matters dealing with grandma. Whatever things obstructing grandma's priority seems to be kicked away by you. I really love granny too, and I don't mean to put her needs aside. I understand that grandma is the most important person to you, but shall you think a little of others, just a little, with the calm & wise mind that you have, give some thoughts before another flame is thrown at others because of granny.
And daddy, remember to abide by the *New Looi family House Rule* that I set ok? Hohoho!
Bring the whole family out to club for swimming & sports every Sunday, 9am!! (u asked why? because if it's too late, we'll end up Char Siew Yok!)
And, Love not just us, above all, Love Your Wife ah ~!

Have you forgotten?
She's the reason of a family.

And why there's a family.